I thought back over the past two years, my mind grasping at the ways God had provided for me. It had been two years of richness, beauty, pain and growth, and although God had proved Himself again and again, from "big" things such as providing what I thought were impossible amounts of money so I could serve in the mission field, to "small" things such as simply getting me through hectic work days, somehow I didn't feel sure if He would do it again.
Whenever I'd read the story of the Israelites in the wilderness in the past, I'd always been amazed that they could have doubted and complained so quickly after witnessing so many miracles. Yet here I was doing the same thing! I wasn't so different after all. In fact, I grew quite depressed and stressed out. There was a point where I felt like my prayer life was nothing more than a list of complaints and worry, and I felt terrible for that. I began to pray less, wondering if God was getting tired of listening to me, although I knew with my head that He wasn't! My fears continued to fester inside.
Then one morning I opened my email to find a friend had shared with me something she'd read for devotions. As I read through the quotes, I felt as though God was speaking to me, not in the reproachful tone I'd half been expecting, but so lovingly that I began to tear up.
"'Come unto me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.' Many who hear this invitation, while sighing for rest, yet press on the rugged path, hugging their burdens close to their heart. Jesus loves them, and longs to bear their burdens and themselves also in His strong arms. He would remove the fears and uncertainties that would rob them of peace and rest; but they must first come to Him, and tell Him the secret woes of their heart...
"He proposes to be our friend, to walk with us on all the rough pathways of life...Jesus, the Majesty of Heaven, proposes to elevate to companionship with Himself those who come to Him with their burdens, their weaknesses and their cares...
"Do just what He has told you to do, and be assured God will do all He has said He would do...Have you come to Him renouncing all your makeshifts, all your unbelief, all your self-righteousness? Come just as you are, weak, helpless and ready to die. What is the rest promised? It is the consciousness that God is true, that He never disappoints the one who comes to Him. His pardon is full and free, and His acceptance means rest to the soul, rest in His love."
(Our Father's Care p 98)
Crying into my pillow, I chose to put down the burdens I'd been hugging to my heart. God had not disappointed me in the past, and again I chose to trust that He would not disappoint me now, no matter what I was feeling. It felt incredible to be reassured in such a timely way of His love for me.
And God has been providing! I've found an apartment, and I've found a church family where I can be involved. I'm making some good friends locally to help me through the culture shock, who I can bless and be blessed by in turn. The job and saving money for college next year is still an issue (pray for me!), but I'm trusting God to look after my needs in that area too. It's a lesson I'm seriously slow in learning, but He is an incredibly patient Teacher!
What about you guys? Where are you now and what has God been teaching you? How can I pray for you?
